Dating with MS: Disclosure, Boundaries, and Finding the Right Person

Dating with MS: Disclosure, Boundaries, and Finding the Right Person

Episode 207 – Podcast Transcript

[(0:24)]Stephanie Buxhoeveden:  Hello, and welcome to the Can Do MS podcast. I’m your host, Stephanie Buxhoeveden. I live with MS, and I’m also a clinician and MS researcher. Today, I’m excited to talk with Crystal Bedoya, who’s an MS patient expert and advocate. Hi, Crys. Thank you so much for being here today.

[(0:40)]Crystal Bedoya: Hi, thank you so much for inviting me.

[(0:42)]Stephanie: Now, you were diagnosed with MS at a really young age, so dating and relationships have always existed along MS for you, which I think is really unique. And before we get into the practical stuff, how do you think having MS from such a young age shaped the way you approach dating and relationships?

[(1:00)]Crystal: Um, it made me realize, uh, I-, I’m a lot more, more mindful when it comes to approaching dating. Um, I date with intention, but also dating is kind of like a way to get to know yourself in a way, right? Like, what you like, what you don’t like, so it’s definitely been an experience. But yeah, that’s how I see it.

[(1:23)]Stephanie: Yeah. And do you feel like that’s a journey everyone to some extent goes through, or, or do you think MS has really changed anything about that journey for you?

[(1:32)]Crystal: I mean, I will say dating can be daunting, but obviously, when it comes to living with a chronic illness there’s layers to it, and you definitely need to be more, more mindful about how you wanna approach certain topics. So I just try to be wary of that so that I am feeling comfortable and safe, and obviously dating with intention, right? Like, you wanna meet your person, and I, I always keep that in mind, right?

[(2:01)]Stephanie: Yeah, and it’s a vulnerable process for everybody. I think dating in general is tough, and as you mentioned, you have this now added layer of MS. Has it ever made you hesitant to put yourself out there?

[(2:13)]Crystal: I mean, I will confess to you, yes. I did struggle a lot before with actually accepting my diagnosis, and since I was such a child, I was in denial for many years. And that was mostly during my teen years, and even in college. Although I was experiencing all of these different changes, where it was having to run to go get an infusion three hours away from home, having to miss school. So I kind of made this idea in my head that, okay, I mean, yes, I have MS, and I have other responsibilities, but right now my priority needs to be school, um, my education, and my eventual career. So I kinda locked myself in into that mindset, and I left dating and that aspect of my life in the back burner.

[(3:08)]Stephanie: Mm, yeah. And I would imagine for somebody who’s newly diagnosed and really hasn’t dated at all since their diagnosis, they’re probably feeling similar w-, and… What would you tell them about getting out there?

[(3:22)]Crystal: Honestly based on the last 21 years, and now that I’m 33 years old, I turned 33 last week, um, I would say just go for it. Don’t be scared of putting yourself out there. You never know, you might meet, like, the one or your soulmate, whether it’s romantically or platonically, because I feel like platonic relationships are also so crucial and important. And for me, my relationships with my, my friends, my girlfriends, like, they mean the world to me. So obviously, if I have a good, um, a good pre-, a good presence of love in my life, that’s how I see it. And if I can give that love back, that’s when I feel like, okay, I’m ready.

[(4:09)]Stephanie: Yeah. And I mean, I know that living with MS can feel like baggage, but don’t we all have some sort of baggage?

[(4:15)]Crystal: Exactly.

[(4:16)]Stephanie: Yeah.

[(4:17)]Crystal: No one’s really perfect, you know?

[(4:18)]Stephanie: No.

[(4:19)]Crystal: And I feel like for some people they might perceive it that way, right? Because the way that we describe it, yes, it, it can be a lot, it can be chaotic, but no one’s exempt from struggle.

[(4:30)]Stephanie: Yeah.

[(4:31)]Crystal: And I think that it’s important to accept that some people just come with other, another sense of reality, and I mean, wouldn’t you love them regardless of that? Because it wasn’t really their fault that they were diagnosed with such, such, such a life-impacting disease. So I, I had to change that mindset of the way that I perceive that myself, and that took a lot of years. But I’m really proud of how much I’ve learned and I’ve grown because of this diagnosis.

[(5:05)]Stephanie: I would 100% agree with that, and I think what you said w-, just now is really powerful, is that if it was the person you were going out on the date with who had an MS diagnosis and you were the healthy one, that you would not think less of them or think that it, of it as baggage. And so the fact that we automatically assume others would view that as baggage is probably a wrong assumption. And so I think that…

[(5:28)]Crystal: Mm-hmm.

[(5:29)]Stephanie: But that takes time, um…

[(5:30)]Crystal: Mm-hmm.

[(5:31)]Stephanie: …and it’s hard when you’re newly diagnosed, but I think it helps to, like, think of the situation in reverse. And really, if that is the way the person perceives it, should they even be worthy of a date with you? Probably not.

[(5:41)]Crystal: I mean, that’s… I, I’ve learned recently that you need to see dating as practice.

[(5:47)]Stephanie: Mm-hmm.

[(5:48)]Crystal: And you are going to meet people that you’re gonna love, and you’re gonna be like, “Okay, I think this might be the person.” But then you meet others that just completely makes you think, “Dating is not for me.” But you really need to go through the motions to really, um, discover what you want in your life, because you can have an idea of who you wanna date and who you wanna be with. But what if that completely changes? And I feel like that perception really changed for me, um, as my MS progressed throughout the years. And I mean, now, like, I need to be mindful of carrying catheters, carrying medication. Um, but I’ve had some really great people that have understood that and have, have been helpful in that sense, and I am very appreciative of that. Because we need to carry ourselves with compassion and empathy. Um, no one’s, no one is exempt of a chronic illness, right? Um, it could really happen to anyone.

[(6:49)]Stephanie: Yeah. So instead of height, hair color, and eye color, you start focusing on what actually matters, which I think is valuable.

[(6:56)]Crystal: Yeah. No, yeah.

[(6:57)]Stephanie: Yeah.

[(6:58)]Crystal: I think it’s very important for me now, obviously in my 30s, you, you have different interests, right, throughout your life. Whether it was in your teen years, where you wanted this person to be attractive and just, like, more of a, a visual, um, aesthetic situation but I don’t know, like, throughout the years, I’ve always really prioritized someone that is kind and, um, compassionate because unfortunately, not a lot of people carry themselves that way.

[(7:30)]Stephanie: Mm.

[(7:31)]Crystal: But I always think to myself, “If I would want that, I need to give that back.”

[(7:37)]Stephanie: Mm.

[(7:38)]Crystal: And I, and I try to think and navigate the world that way now.

[(7:43)]Stephanie: Yes. Again, not just the receiver of care and compassion, but the giver of care…

[(7:47)]Crystal: Mm-hmm.

[(7:48)]Stephanie: … and compassion. I do think living with MS makes us better partners because we are able to, I think, approach life with more flexibility and empathy than…

[(7:57)]Crystal: Yeah

[(7:58)]Stephanie: …some people, um, who are younger.

[(8:00)]Crystal: Yeah. And I…

[(8:01)]Stephanie: Yeah.

[(8:02)]Crystal: …I always say that, um, living with MS, you have the superpower of adaptability, so you really can be, like, living with one situation, and then it could completely change, like, in the next five minutes. But I’ve always said that my community, which I’ve built on online, all of them are so incredible, and I respect them so much, and I appreciate all of the support that they’ve given me throughout the years because they show me with the fact that they come from different facets of life, different careers, different realities, but they’re still making it happen. Like, living with this disease and also making their dreams happen…

[(8:45)]Stephanie: Mm.

[(8:46)]Crystal: …I respect and love that so much.

[(8:48)]Stephanie: Yeah, I’ve never met a more inspirational group of people. And then, uh, how lucky are our partners in life that they get to be with, with people with such great experience.

[(9:00)]Crystal: Yeah.

[(9:01)]Stephanie: And so I love that you have found the same. Now, a tricky question, and something that I hear a lot, and I’m sure you do, too, is the when do I tell, right?

[(9:10)]Crystal: Mm-hmm.

[(9:11)]Stephanie: You’ve gone back and forth with this yourself, I know. Um, what’s your advice on when to disclose MS to somebody who you might be going on a date with?

[(9:19)]Crystal: Well, early years, younger Crys, um, would essentially not mention it to anyone, right? I, I was scared of the idea that they would judge me, that they would think of me less than, that they would assume, “Well, okay, I don’t wanna deal with her reality. I don’t wanna deal with this, ‘baggage.'” But there was this one person that I did decide to share it with, and the first thing that came to their head was, “So is MS contagious?” And I think I was just dumbfounded by the fact that they had just told me that, and I, in my head, it… Something immediately clicked. “Yeah, I don’t… I’m not gonna continue speaking to this person.” And unfortunately, I made this idea, like, there is no point in me sharing my diagnosis with people if, if that’s the reception that I’m going to get. But now in my 30s, I, I tell them straight up. You know, if this is something that they wanna pursue seriously, um, I’m very vocal about my diagnosis, and obviously because I’m very vulnerable online, I mean, it’s pretty easy to find out, like, who I am and what I do and what I’m interested in just by logging into my social media profiles. But I think I’d rather rip the Band-Aid off and deal with if it ends up being a heartbreak situation and they decide, “You know what? Maybe I don’t wanna do that,” then that’s more proof that this person isn’t meant for me.

[(10:55)]Stephanie: Absolutely. I mean, that is a dumbfounding response to get. Um, but what is your idea of a, of a good response or a good scenario of disclosure?

[(11:05)]Crystal: To me, the magic words is, “You know what? I’m gonna take the time to research and learn more about this. I wanna be understanding of your needs, and if you’re struggling or if you need any help, I wanna be there for you so that you’re, you’re not really suffering at the effort or trying to find love.”

[(11:29)]Stephanie: That is my love language as well.

[(11:31)]Crystal: Mm-hmm.

[(11:32)]Stephanie: Education, learning…

[(11:33)]Crystal: Yeah.

[(11:34)]Stephanie: …having, approaching the situation with compassion, and honestly, I think it’s, it’s the bare minimum that we should expect of our partners.

[(11:41)]Crystal: And I will say, this is kind of a radical comparison, but in reality, it’s so simple as i-, imagine if this person is very into this specific hobby or sport or interest. Like, I wanna learn about that so that I can match the energy and understand why do you love it so much, because that is a part of you, right? And obviously, I can’t compare it to a diagnosis, but because the di-, this diagnosis has shaped who I am now, it really means a lot to me when people make the effort to wanna learn more. And…

[(12:14)]Stephanie: Yes. Yeah.

[(12:16)]Crystal: …something as simple as even looking up symptoms, I-, I’m… But not so simple, right? Like, it’s very… It’s, it’s a bare necessity, right? Like, the bare minimum…

[(12:28)]Stephanie: Mm-hmm.

[(12:29)]Crystal: …of what you should be able to understand so that when you see me struggling, this is why.

[(12:35)]Stephanie: Yeah. And I mean, us, as people living with MS, it’s not our obligation to become someone’s educator on a first date by any means.

[(12:42)]Crystal: Right. Mm-hmm.

[(12:43)]Stephanie: But I, I do so appreciate, uh, my boyfriend at the time when I was diagnosed, I didn’t even realize it, but that was the first thing he did, is he went to the textbooks…

[(12:51)]Crystal: Oh, love that.

[(12:52)]Stephanie: …started reading about it. And when I found out that he did that, and didn’t come to me, he came to me with questions after, um, I was like, “That’s the guy I’m gonna marry.”

[(13:03)]Crystal: Oh, I love that. I love, I love a success story.

[(13:06)]Stephanie: It’s a, yes. So we’re gonna take a quick break for a word from our sponsors, and we, when we come back, we’re gonna continue this conversation.

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[(13:40)]Stephanie: Welcome back. We just left off talking about vulnerability and dating. Um, so I wanna talk about planning dates when our bodies don’t always wanna cooperate with that. And dating culture, a lot of the times, can assume that you’re down to grab drinks, stay out late, spend all day somewhere, be spontaneous, and those things don’t always work particularly well when you have MS. How has that affected the kinds of dates that you choose to go on?

[(14:07)]Crystal: I am very vocal of what I’m interested in. I don’t drink alcohol. I try to not stay up that late, and I just I choose to experience life differently, right? Obviously, I don’t mind from time to time if someone wants to invite me to, like, a bar because I love dive bars, I love to play pool. Um, or if it’s a concert, you know, like for me, that is worth the sacrifice because I know that I’m gonna have a good time. But I do vocalize that I just can’t date the way that people typically see dating culture. And again, it’s all about adaptability, right? Like at one point, you do adapt for your partner as well, so I think it’s just having that common respect with one another.

[(15:00)]Stephanie: Yeah, and I think as you said, not feeling the pressure to automatically say yes to something that you know is gonna set you up for a bad situation. Like for me personally, I’m not really gonna be down to spend a whole day at the beach when it’s 100…

[(15:15)]Crystal: Yeah.

[(15:16)]Stephanie: …degrees out or…

[(15:17)]Crystal: Yes.

[(15:18)]Stephanie: …I know you’ve talked about catheters, right? Having access to a bathroom and needs. Um, so usually I say, “Yes, and” right? So if they’re like, “I wanna go to this park and do something or just have a picnic,” I say, “Yes, and can we do it at this other park because they have an indoor section…

[(15:36)]Crystal: Mm-hmm.

[(15:37)]Stephanie: …that if I get too hot, I can cool down or they have bathrooms.” Um, and we sort of find that middle ground. And…

[(15:42)]Crystal: Mm-hmm.

[(15:43)]Stephanie: …I know you do sort of the same thing, right? You, like you opt for simpler dates and…

[(15:47)]Crystal: Mm-hmm.

[(15:48)]Stephanie: …and ways to get to know each other. So what are some of your favorite things to do?

[(15:52)]Crystal: I love me a coffee shop.

[(15:53)]Stephanie: Mm.

[(15:54)]Crystal: Because I’m an avid matcha lover. Like I’m literally a matcha connoisseur. So love to me or my perfect date is coffee shop hopping, you know? Like there, there’s such a beauty to that, right? Like experiencing the sense of community in a coffee shop, getting to know the baristas, getting to try different drinks where it’ll make you realize, “You know what? Maybe I wanna come back here, and I wanna make this my regular spot.” I really enjoy doing that. Um, I love going to concerts. I love to travel. Um, and in my mind, I’m always thinking I need to find ways for it to be accessible, but never impossible.

[(16:35)]Stephanie: Hmm.

[(16:36)]Crystal: And I, I just, I love a good adventure, and I love to have fun, and I’m just… I’m down to do stuff, but planning is a big thing for me. I don’t know if it’s because I’m a Virgo, but we need to have a plan, you know?

[(16:52)]Stephanie: Yes. I need to know the parking situation, the bathroom…

[(16:54)]Crystal: Yes.

[(16:55)]Stephanie: …situation, and the walking…

[(16:56)]Crystal: Yes.

[(16:57)]Stephanie: …situation, right?

[(16:58)]Crystal: Agreed. Yeah.

[(16:59)]Stephanie: Um, do you think MS has helped you realize that a good date doesn’t necessarily have to be an elaborate one?

[(17:05)]Crystal: Yes, literally. Sometimes simple is better.

[(17:08)]Stephanie: Mm-hmm.

[(17:09)]Crystal: And I, I mean, I know there’s people that like to do, like, different activities where it’s bus, club, other club, and I just, I think less is more.

[(17:21)]Stephanie: Yeah.

[(17:22)]Crystal: And I, I love that.

[(17:24)]Stephanie: Yeah. I think conserving energy is the key. And like you mentioned, love a concert, love a, love a trip, but those are things…

[(17:30)]Crystal: Mm-hmm.

[(17:31)]Stephanie: …that are gonna sap our energy long-term. So if it’s, like, a, a day-to-day date, simple might be best. We can work in the more elaborate stuff. Um, but really for me, and it sounds like for you as well, it’s trying to plan for success, right?

[(17:44)]Crystal: Yes.

[(17:45)]Stephanie: Whether for you it’s that, like, earlier morning breakfast or coffee date so that your fatigue is better.

[(17:50)]Crystal: Mm-hmm.

[(17:51)]Stephanie: Uh, you can still get to bed on time. I think those are all really easy and practical tips.

[(17:56)]Crystal: I did wanna share, um, especially with the fact that I self-cath now, I have to be a lot more mindful about my fluid intake throughout the day, and that has been, I will say, sometimes a, a little of a challenging conversation because I have to stop drinking fluids by, like, 4:30, 5:00 PM. And obviously that comes a- as a shock to people sometimes. They’re like, “What do you mean you’re not gonna drink water or you’re not gonna drink s-, like, coffee after this time?” And I’m like, “I mean, it doesn’t make sense to you, but it makes sense to me, and I’m just hoping that you will understand that.”

[(18:35)]Stephanie: I feel like in today’s culture everybody’s intermittent fasting or doing some crazy diet. It’s not…

[(18:41)]Crystal: Yeah.

[(18:42)]Stephanie: …that abnormal. I think as long as you normalize it and you speak about it i-, in exactly the way that you are, and it feels weird at first, I certainly…

[(18:49)]Crystal: Mm.

[(18:50)]Stephanie: …felt weird at first when I started just saying like, “This is the reality of what I live through day to day, and this is how I adapt my day. Join me or not.” Um, the more you practice that, the more comfortable and easy it gets. Obviously…

[(19:05)]Crystal: Oh, for sure.

[(19:06)]Stephanie: Yeah, but obviously on the other hand, um, there will become the inevitable dreaded cancellation, right?

[(19:14)]Crystal: Yes. Mm-hmm.

[(19:15)]Stephanie: Uh, you make plans. You’re feeling so good the day you make the plan. The other person accommodates your needs, plans something you’re excited about. The day arrives and you wake up feeling awful. How do you say, “I really wanna see you, but I just can’t do this today,” without feeling guilty or worrying that you’ve blown it?

[(19:35)]Crystal: Honestly, if they really do care for you, it won’t really bother them. It’s the idea of wanting to get to know them, and there’s alternatives, right? Like, if you can’t go on the date that specific day and see each other physically in person, make it a virtual date, you know? Meet with, meet with them halfway because obviously I’m sure that they were excited to spend time with you and get to know you. But adaptability is literally my middle name. I am willing to adapt, adjust, um, so I am able to experience all the good things in life. And obviously, yes, there will come times where my body can be deceiving and it can betray me. Um, but I just, I try to me-, be more empathetic with myself and remind myself like, “This disabled body has got you here and you’re in this point of your life because of it.” So sometimes you might get frustrated, sometimes it can be very disheartening, but this is the body, body that you have for the rest of your life and why not, why not show it kindness?

[(20:44)]Stephanie: Mm. Exactly. And the other person should too. And I love your point.

[(20:48)]Crystal: Yes.

[(20:49)]Stephanie: I think we live in an increasingly virtual world. There’s really no excuse to not being able to get some face-to-face time…

[(20:55)]Crystal: Mm-hmm.

[(20:56)]Stephanie: …via Zoom, virtual call, FaceTime, and I’ve certainly done that when I’ve had to cancel plans. I’ll say, like, “I’m crushed that I can’t come. You know, I’m fighting a cold,” and I had to cancel plans with a friend over for the weekend. And instead we’re gonna, we’re gonna FaceTime with her and the kids because I’m not up for an out-of-state visit this weekend. And…

[(21:15)]Crystal: For sure.

[(21:16)]Stephanie: Yeah.

[(21:17)]Crystal: I am also very much a fan of low energy activities for dates, whether it’s going to the movies, um, if you decide you wanna go to the museum. They have a lot of accessibility there where they offer, like, wheelchairs and all of that, and I’ve used that and it has made my world so much easier. So I mean, you just have to get a little creative sometimes. And I mean, it’s worth the adventure.

[(21:44)]Stephanie: Yeah. And, and I would love you to expand on that a little bit, right?

[(21:47)]Crystal: Mm-hmm.

[(21:48)]Stephanie: Because sometimes going to that concert, taking the trip, doing the festival, staying up late even though you know it’s not the best thing for you really is worth it. So how do you decide when you’re willing to spend some of tomorrow’s energy on something that you really wanna experience?

[(22:03)]Crystal: So let’s see. Um, I could give the example of this one concert that I went to three years ago. It was for this, um, reggaeton artist that I’ve been wanting to see for so long. But unfortunately, there was a constant back and forth dealing with, um, infections and being able to go, and this is when I had the actual Foley catheter, um, attached to my leg. And in my head I kept thinking, “Why am I continuing to postpone this? I just need to stay in communication with my doctor, let them know how I’m feeling, but this is something that I’ve been wanting to do for so long. Why not go for it?” And I mean, I won’t lie to you, I did struggle. Um, I was fighting for my life the next day, um, because I was just so fatigued. But the feeling that I get when I go to concerts is unlike anything I’ve ever experienced before. You, like, just get such a high of emotions, and you really do feel like you’re alive, and I love to share that and experience that with, with someone that I’m, I’m dating or getting to know.

[(23:14)]Stephanie: Yeah. And planning ahead, right? So like…

[(23:16)]Crystal: Mm-hmm.

[(23:17)]Stephanie: …you said, contacting the venue to see if there’s accessibility options that will make it better, and also we have the ability to plan it for days and sometimes hopefully the next day you can take it easier. That’s what I do. I sort of budget my energy and…

[(23:30)]Crystal: Mm-hmm.

[(23:31)]Stephanie: …and, um, especially with trips or, like, outings, making sure that I get back and have some downtime before I have to get back to work. I think it’s, it’s all doable, and again, it comes with time. If… I think it feels way more overwhelming when you are newly diagnosed and you still are trying to figure out, um… But this is a lifelong disease, and there are gonna be times when you’re like, “Yes, this is worth it.”

[(23:54)]Crystal: For sure.

[(23:55)]Stephanie: Yeah.

[(23:56)]Crystal: And like you said, like, there will be times when you think that you’re doing things a certain way, and you’re like, “This is the way that I need to do it because this is the only way that I’ve ever done it.” But sometimes you shift, and then you realize, “You know what? Let me do it this way.” And it makes your life so much easier. You’re not having to stress and honestly suffer, like, at the cost of dealing with symptoms and your MS flaring. But I’ve been a lot more open-minded when it comes to adaptability in terms of my own body. So if the help is there, accept it.

[(24:34)]Stephanie: Yeah. And I think it, um, also speaks a lot about the person you are on the date with, about whether they’re willing to help you make those accommodations or help make the experience possible while taking some of the stress off. I think that’s a great lit-, litmus test for how good of a date they are.

[(24:51)]Crystal: Correct. Yeah. That’s when you find out.

[(24:53)]Stephanie: That’s when you find out. And inevitably, rejection is part of dating for everyone not just…

[(24:58)]Crystal: Yes.

[(24:59)]Stephanie: …those people living with MS. Um, but I know that that diagnosis can make it feel especially personal. So, if someone loses interest after learning that you have MS or because your needs don’t fit their lifestyle, have you learned not to take that to heart or, or make that feel like you’re less than?

[(25:18)]Crystal: I mean, I’m human, right? So obviously, these emotions can really get to you sometimes, and you are allowed to feel them. Like, you shouldn’t ignore them, which is something that I used to do, and I would always just think, “Okay, I’m gonna get over it, and I’m gonna try to put myself out there again.” Or maybe that would make me hesitant to do so, but I’m really proud of how much I’ve grown throughout even the last couple of years, where I’m just like, my reactions are definitely a lot more different. And I, I’m, I’m allowing myself now to feel these emotions and understand it wasn’t meant to be. It didn’t work out for a reason, and this person wasn’t supposed to stay in my life, and I’m gonna left li-, let life take control. And you just never know. What if this person is honestly hindering you from meeting an exceptional person in the future? And I always have that hope, right? Like, I’m a very grateful and hopeful person, and I used to not be that way, but I just feel like it really changed my perception of how I view life and how I view changes.

[(26:32)]Stephanie: Absolutely. Gotta kiss a lot of frogs, right?

[(26:35)]Crystal: Yeah. I mean, we’ve seen it in the rom-coms. We’ve seen it, you know, on TV shows. Sometimes you gotta go through the motions to really make it to the point where you’re like, “Whoa.”

[(26:46)]Stephanie: Mm.

[(26:47)]Crystal: Like, I had to live the experience, and now I’ve met this wonderful person, and it was worth it.

[(26:55)]Stephanie: Yeah. And so those are some red flags, right? So what are some early green flags that you’ve learned to look for?

[(27:02)]Crystal: Green flags? I mean, the biggest one, right, um, taking the time to learn about my disease and understanding it. Um, I mean, to me the biggest ones is how they carry themselves throughout the world and the way that they act with others, especially, um, with the disabled community. There’s constantly a lack of empathy and understanding, and I get it. Sometimes you will not understand this lived experience that this person is having, but it doesn’t take much to be like, “Okay, let me take a step back, try to understand.” And if you don’t understand, take the time to research and not assume. Because we as humans are quick to judge a book by its cover, and, uh, in reality, the majority of the time you can be very wrong.

[(27:56)]Stephanie: Yeah.

[(27:57)]Crystal: So life is full of surprises. You end up meeting like this exceptional person and you’re assuming, “Oh, well, they’re disabled,” you know? Like, “We’re not gonna have any connections.” But you just never know.

[(28:10)]Stephanie: I completely agree. Um, you know, I think the other thing to your point is they may not understand…

[(28:17)]Crystal: Mm-hmm.

[(28:18)]Stephanie: …when you say something or explain a symptom, but what’s so important is that they believe you.

[(28:22)]Crystal: And they listen.

[(28:23)]Stephanie: And they listen. Yeah.

[(28:25)]Crystal: Yeah.

[(28:26)]Stephanie: So we’ve talked about some of the lows. I wanna end on a high. Has living with MS also made you clearer about what you want and deserve from a relationship?

[(28:35)]Crystal: Yes. I, I want a partner that is supportive, that is understanding, that is kind, that enjoys being with family, because I’m very close to my family. They mean the world to me. I love my friends. They have been such a support throughout my whole life, but mostly during my MS journey. Um, I have a best friend who has loyally stayed by my side since seventh grade. So I just, I love community, and I just feel like the right person will understand that. And if they aren’t that type of person, I mean, what if I end up showing them a different way of life and they’re like, “You know what? I love hanging out with your parents. I love hanging out, like, going on double dates with your best friend.” Like, you just, you just never know. You have to be open to possibilities and not really close yourself off. Because are you really experiencing life if you’re constantly thinking, “I don’t wanna do that. I don’t wanna do this. I don’t like this person because of this?” You just need to be willing to accept change and just, you never know. It could really change your life.

[(29:53)]Stephanie: Sounds like the advice you would give to yourself…

[(29:55)]Crystal: Yes.

[(29:56)]Stephanie: …to your younger self, right?

[(29:58)]Crystal: Yes.

[(29:59)]Stephanie: Yeah.

[(30:00)]Crystal: I’d call her, and I’d be like, “Girl, chill. You will meet someone, and it’s gonna be a bumpy road, but you are deserving of love regardless of your diagnosis.” And it’s a beautiful thing to be able to accept and, and share that now.

[(30:17)]Stephanie: Thank you so much, Crys. And I know listeners are gonna wanna know where they can follow you and follow your journey, so we’re gonna tag your social media in the description of this podcast so people can connect with you and continue to see how amazing you are. Thank you so much for being here with us today.

[(30:35)]Crystal: Well, thank you so much, Stephanie. I appreciate it.

[(30:37)]Stephanie: Thank you for listening to this episode of the Can Do MS podcast. If you liked this episode, please leave us a rating or review on Apple Podcasts or Spotify. We really appreciate your feedback. We’d also like to thank our sponsors for their support of this episode of the Can Do MS podcast. Until next time, be well and have a great day.
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